Things that are beautiful…

Can come from ugly things.

Yesterday while on my drive home on Ludlam, through the fogged window of the car in front of me I saw one of those obnoxious cars with the bright blue halogen headlights coming from the other direction, while the car two cars ahead was riding on their red brakes going 20 mph because *gasp* they were passing through any intersection.

Anyways, the blue headlights from one jackass mingled with the red brake lights from another to create this interesting view for a millisecond through the windows of the car in front of me.  The Blues and the Reds through the watery window made me realize that there are beautiful things that come from ugly things.  Of course it was ruined as the asshole two cars ahead continued to ride his brakes for the remainder of my trip.

I think from now on, I will try to find one thing beautiful from something ugly or obnoxious.  However I don’t think the dead bird I keep passing by on my walk to work will be in the list.

Jason Orkin, Visionary

I feel that the Asian word for Ripoff is…

Indochine. Also, I am fully aware that there is no such thing as the Asian Language, I just wanted to make a point in regards to this horrible Thai/Japanese fusion restaurant.

Anyways, for those of you that don’t know, in Miami there is a sushi bar on every block. There also are very few people of Japanese decent living in Miami. All of these restaurants are either owned and operated by Koreans or Thais. That is not to say that there aren’t some extraordinary and wonderful sushi restaurants in Miami, and I suggest Matsuri, Su Shin or if you have money, Sushi Samba, however you also get a lot of, and I’m not going to sugarcoat it, shit restaurants that for some reason are insanely popular. This is true of any food variation, and I have learned a unique way of identifying which restaurants are the best. If you are going out for Chinese, and everyone eating in the restaurant is white, get out. If however you are going out for Chinese and everyone is of some Asian descent, stay. The Chinese know better Chinese Restaurants than any white person ever could. And thus the same goes for any ethnic group.

Well, what get Indochine on my black list is this story which started yesterday: my coworkers and I wanted sushi in the Brickell area. There are a few places in the area, but Indochine had a mix of Thai and Japanese, similar to my beloved Bangkok Square of Orlando, and that prompted my urge to go, and my coworkers were in agreement.

The place had that “trendy-crappy” feel to it, with the projection TV, retro style stools in front of the bar, and other knickknacks throughout. However the booths and the chairs looked like they had been stolen from the Titanic. Also, our booth was extremely claustrophobic. I was thankful I wasn’t a fat man, or they would have needed the jaws of life to get me out. Moving on, we opened the menu, which wasn’t bad. A few things stuck out as odd, like edamame for$6 and a california roll for $7, but we ordered away as the place quickly got packed. The group ordered Garlic Beef, Chicken Teriyaki Bento, and I ordered the Shrimp Teriyaki Bento.

Our soups came out first, the bentos with miso and the garlic beef coming with Tom Yum Gai. The miso wasn’t bad; my coworker said the Thai soup tasted like dish water. Next thing, the Garlic Beef shows up; between 5 and 10 minutes later the bentos arrive. I’m sorry, but who the hell brings out only one persons food. They could have easily waited to serve the group. Ahh, but as for the bentos… For $15 I got not 1, not 2, but 3 Shrimps. Not jumbo shrimp either. Also, I wouldn’t exactly call them teriyaki either. So I finished my shrimp, and looked across the table at my coworker with the teriyaki chicken making a face. We all ended up trying the “chicken”. We still don’t know what it really was, but none of us have ever had chicken of that texture before. We think it was really tofu.

So with our crappy meals completed, we paid and left and said to ourselves “We can get a better and cheaper bento at Finnegan’s, and probably more shrimp.” And we thought that would be the last time we ever had to deal with that overpriced, underfooded, and somehow popular restaurant.

I was wrong. My coworker this morning checked over her online banking and saw that they had charged her twice. She called, and their immediate response was “oh yeah, we get a lot of calls like that.” Turns out they double charge you to make sure you have money in your account. Which is bullshit because everyone in Brickell has money, just look at their Mercedez or Ferrari if you need proof; and double charging just means you take more money out of their account and in the case that they had no money in their, you would cause them to go into the red. We all just decided this was a form of embezzlement or credit card fraud by Indochine, and my coworker quickly informed her credit card company.

So, don’t go to Indochine. If someone tells you they love it, they are clearly morons who either like to waste money, or have awful tastes. I only suggest going to Indochine if you are one of those sheep who goes to PF Changs when they want Chinese.

Jason Orkin, Connoisseur

Christmas in South Florida is a time for…

Outdoing your neighbors.

I live in Pinecrest, a very prominent (obnoxious) “village” where a lot of very wealthy and spoiled people live.  Pincrest is a place where there is a hummer in every neighborhood, an Escalade in every neighborhood, another luxury SUV in every neighborhood, and no trucks, because if you have a pickup, you have to keep it in your backyard, or more commonly, fenced and gated driveway.  Also, every single one of those behemoths is driven by a soccer mom who never puts down her cellphone and never brakes at stop signs either.  What I am getting at is Pinecrest, creates this sense of faux-importance from its residents that passes on to each other into competition of the minutia.

Thus I enjoy driving down the streets to and from my home and seeing each house every year get more and more festive when it comes to December and Christmas.  And by festive, I mean the residents are trying to scream “look at me, my house has more lights than yours, and thus I am superior.”  It all started in one house in Coral Gables that would put thousands of lights, and it eventually attracted Al Roker to do a news segment in front of the house.  Since then, a few other wealthy people have started their own Blinding Light Christmas Castles, which ultimately leads to not being able to drive in those neighborhoods as people flock from around South Miami to see the grandeur that is this persons need to provide more light than the sun.

While those numbers are few and fortunately far between, the average Pinecrest household is now trying to be Lord of the Neighborhood Lights.  When at one point in time there were just lights on the roof and in a few branches and the rare manger scene; now lights are high in palm trees, inflatable lawn decorations are every few feet in yards, giant snow globes block your view, artificial snow is pumped over pristine lawns, and interestingly enough, very few images or symbols of Jesus.  Pinecrest also has a large Jewish population, and while Hanukkah has already past, many of them compete just as much.  Partially because they all married non-Jewish women, but partially because they have to be just as superior to their neighbors.  This leads to blue and white lights, giant dreidels, and Stars of David.

Quite frankly, during December between the heating, the water heater because I need my hot morning shower, and every other expense, the last thing I need to do is waste money on powering lights to upstage my neighbors.  Also, don’t ignore the irony of these people trying to compete through decorations with one another, when you know not one of them actually set up a single light.  No, they hired their lawn service guys, their yard workers, to get up in ladders and string thousands of dollars worth of lights all over their trees for probably $40.  It has become not just a contest of who has what decoration, but who can put it in the most spectacular spot that their illegal worker could find.  This also brings up the irony of these people voting Republican and focusing on the illegal immigration issue, meanwhile if it wasn’t for said illegal immigrants, they wouldn’t have their precious lights.  I’m just waiting until they start showing off the workers themselves:  “Brian, I want you to see this.  This is Esteban.  He’s bigger than any of your lawn workers.  Hah hah.”

I don’t care if I have no lights up, or that I don’t participate in the petty rivalries.  I also don’t have to worry about the neighborhood kids running off with anything, either.

Jason Orkin, Grinch

If I wanted to live 400 ft in the air…

I’d live in a state with elevation.

I work downtown.  I’m sure at one point people could see the bay from the 5th floor.  Now, you are lucky to see it from the 20th.  Everyone is trying to build higher and higher, which means older buildings are being torn down for 50 story monsters.

Now this isn’t a complaint  about the lack of nature or native life downtown because I’ll save that for another post.  This is about the constant construction going on everywhere.

To get around downtown, you have to walk.  I’m sure if I drove a $75,000 car, I’d drive it around like all the other small-dicked idiots around here, but I don’t.  So I walk.  That isn’t exactly an easy feet when every other building is under construction and the sidewalks are all closed.  I feel like I’m in Frogger trying to cross the street, between the cars and the non-existent sidewalk.  Although some days I hope that jerk in the car Aston Martin, or who am I kidding, Mercedez, hits me and I sue their ass so I can have one.  But no, I continue avoiding these important people to try to get to food, or the bank.  That’s another thing, there are more banks here than anywhere else on earth.  I’m really surprised no construction crew has “accidentally” plowed into a vault with one of these cranes and then disappeared back to whatever South American country they are originally from.

Anyways, being a pedestrian is difficult, but that is not what truly annoys me.  That is saved for the noise coming from the construction site across from my building.  Or more specifically, my office.  Every day we get bombarded with the sounds of that reverse beeping for hours and multiple sources; the sounds of grinding or sawing as from a chainsaw being used by someone who I can see from up here is not using the proper safety equipment; an incomprehensible loud speaker system that constantly goes off; and my favorite part, an unending alarm system that is on from the moment we arrive to the moment we leave.  I wear padded head phones that cover my ears, blast Van Halen, and I still can hear the alarm.  I want to ask the construction workers if they get annoyed with the alarm, but I really don’t feel like talking to them.

Also, an interesting trend on a lot of these skyscrapers is having a pool located above the parking garage, usually on the 12th or higher floor.  And then, to make it more “natural” they surround the pool with palm trees.  “Hey, forget about the former park we tour down to make room for this behemoth, and all the plants we killed as our workers parked and polluted around them, we will give you palm trees in front of the building and around the pool!”  Its pathetic, really, and I’m guessing everyone buying into these places are too stupid to realize Florida has more than palm trees.  Also, if you want a pool, go buy a single to two-story house anywhere in the area, and chances are it will have a pool.  And a ground level pool at that.  Or rent one.  It can’t be as much as the $2000+ a month you are probably paying for your 800 sqr ft apartment.

And of course, what all these condominium skyscrapers means is more motorists and people in the area.  And I’ve walked through the area, there are only a few restaurants at the moment and that’s it.  No book stores, no electronic stores, nothing but over priced restaurants.  Granted there is room for these things on the first floor of all of these buildings, but by the time they actually construct and move in to them, it will be three years later and I hope I’m still not here by then.

People from everywhere move to Florida.  People from Florida move to North Carolina.  What does this tell you?

Jason Orkin, Floridian

Miami is known for two things…

Having the cleanest hands, and having the worst drivers. So it is comforting to know that when that asshole behind you who thinks that 10 mph OVER the speed limit isn’t fast enough, and he cuts you off and flicks you off, that hand is one clean hand.

I’ve lived in Miami my whole life, minus the few years I spent in Orlando for college. In Orlando, no one can park. No one. And they don’t even try to hide this fact: people will park directly on the space line, or in such an obscure angle that when they reverse they will no doubt hit someone, that unfortunate bastard that found the only space available. Mostly these horrible parkers are tiny women in large SUVs, but my complaint on women drivers will be saved for another time. This is a general complaint about the atrocity that is the Miami Driver.

Granted many of the drivers can’t speak or read English. I’m sure in most places in the United States, it is only reasonable that to pass the Driver’s Exam to get a license, one would need to speak and read the language of the traffic signs and everything else, or heaven forbid, be an actual legal citizen of our beloved country. Not so in Miami. You go to the DMV and you will be hard pressed to find anyone born in this country, or even lived in this country for more than 2 years. And yet they all come out of it with a license, and proceed to drive around, lost all the time, going from 30 mph to 5 mph after every intersection to make sure they find the right one which they generally do not and end up making a U-turn in the middle of the street at the next intersection. And they don’t use turn signals either. However that is true of everyone in Miami. I remember learning about turn signals in Driver’s Ed. I guess everyone forgot about that by the time they actually got their car.

Another sore spot of mine in regards to Miami drivers is this little dilemma: you are at an intersection; three lanes on all sides. Currently the lanes you are at are Turn Left Only, which puts you into the leftmost lane in that direction; Turn Left or Straight, which means if you make a left you get your choice of the center or rightmost lanes; and Turn Right Only, which puts you in the other direction of traffic. We will try to forget about the person in the rightmost and thus Turn Right Only lane trying to make a left scenario, and continue to the one that also infuriates me. Back on track, the traffic one would be merging onto if going left has three lanes, same scenario. So why is it that the person in the front of the leftmost and thus Left Turn Only lane will always try to speed up and move into the rightmost lane after they have made the turn? Wouldn’t it have made more sense for them to have started in the middle lane and made the seamless transition into the rightmost lane instead of cutting off three lanes of traffic? Of course it would have made more sense, but I forget, I’m in Miami.

I also am quite fond of the people who drive 30 in a clearly marked 35 mph zone, which means you can go 40, with no one in front of them, and me always caught behind. Take Ludlam Road. A short road mostly used to bypass slower roads. In either direction there are at least 6 speed signs, impossible to miss. And yet every night I still get caught behind that one person going 25 to 30, the road clear ahead, and the asshole in the SUV behind me thinking its my fault and having their 6 ft high lights blinding me directly through my rear view mirror.

For once, I would like to go a day without hearing a police siren, or heaven forbid, a car horn.

Sincerely,

Jason Orkin, Motorist